Love is to Suffer

 “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13 NIV). The greatest accomplishment you can have in this lifetime is to love. Why? Because when the disciples asked Jesus what the greatest commandments were He responded that, “…‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’” (Matthew 22:37-39 NKJV). The greatest task we can ever set ourselves on when on this earth is to love God and to love each other. But the reality hits that it is very hard and difficult to love another person. When I was belovedosing my now husband I thought that I knew all about love and that I would be the perfect loving wife because of the intense feelings of attraction I have towards him. Well after I said ‘I do’ and landed in a flat in Glasgow hundreds of miles away from anybody I had ever known and it was just me and him, I realised I had no clue what love was or how to love. I had been basing love off of human attraction and ultimately feeling. But love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. You have to wake up every morning and make the decision to love that day and work hard at it.

But what is love then if it is a choice and not a feeling? What is it exactly that you have to choose to do? Leading up to marriage I would often ask already married women in the church what the biggest piece of advice they have is for having a good marriage and it would always be ‘to forgive quickly.’ At the time in my naivety I would brush this off and pride allowed me to think that was easy because I had forgiven people who had done horrible and harmful things to me in my life before Christ and that I had healed from those situations fine, so how hard could it be right? I thought I was an expert. But when it came to forgiving somebody that you live so closely with day in and day out, that you care deeply for and are joined to in one flesh, well that became a whole different story to forgiving strangers and people that had no part in your life. Small cuts would feel like gaping wounds. I realised that love was so hard because love is forgiveness and forgiveness is love. Jesus dying on the cross for our sins is the greatest demonstration of love and that love is centred around forgiveness. Therefore, we are commanded to be “bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do” (Colossians 3:13 NKJV). When I began to remember what Christ has forgiven me for it has slowly started becoming easier to forgive other people for offenses, including those closest to me. Anything that is great in the eyes of God will be attacked more aggressively by the enemy. The enemy hates relationships of any kind and is against unity, because the church represents the unity of mankind to Jesus Christ. Colossians 3:14 (NKJV) continues to say “above all of these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection,” so when you choose to forgive and therefore love another person it strengthens your bond to that person. Love is the greatest way you can bond to somebody. That is why God commands us to love Him, because it is what bounds us to Him. That is why marriage is the highest form of relationship on earth because it is bonded in love. So, one of the hardest things for a person to be able to do is to love and forgive, yet it is the greatest thing that a person can accomplish.

God says that love “…is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5 NIV). Love is so hard because the nature of human beings is to care about themselves before another person. But Biblical love is the opposite of human nature. It is to love another person before loving yourself. When I began shepherding in the church up here, I slowly began to become frustrated. I would call people up, but nobody would ever call me up back. I would make the effort to take people out but then nobody would invite me out. I would make the effort to arrange opportunities to socialise, but my offers would be swiftly declined. I would spend hours of my time teaching, counselling, and praying for people to strengthen them in the faith and help them navigate life’s problems. But meanwhile I was going through some of the hardest seasons, decisions, and transitions of my life and nobody seemed to notice me. I became slowly bitter and offended because I was pouring out care towards others and felt as though I was receiving nothing back but ungrateful and unappreciative attitudes. One day I was about to make the decision to stop and thought I will just be smiling and friendly when they see me but other than that I will continue to focus on my own life and issues during the week. But the Holy Spirit convicted my heart just on time and made me realise that actually what I was doing was the greatest work I ever could with my life, and that was to love other people the way that Jesus loves us. To have a loving relationship isn’t to love somebody with the expectation of receiving anything back for yourself. Instead, it is to love knowing that they may never love you back. It is to love knowing that they may not contribute anything significant to my personal life. It is to love without ever expecting a thank you or to be noticed or celebrated for it. To love somebody is truly humbling. When you’re around lots of people it can be easier to love others because you want to make a good reputation for yourself, or to impress those around you. But when you are far away from anybody watching you and not noticed for anything you do for the kingdom of God it has really tested my foundations in why I serve God. Is it because I love God and His people? Or is it because I love the feeling of recognition and celebration that ignites the selfish pride deep in my deceitful human heart?

Love is beautiful but to love is to suffer. The Bible says that “…Love suffers long…” (1 Corinthians 13:4 NKJV) and that it “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7 NKJV). Jesus Christ had to suffer to demonstrate His love for us. Crucifixion isn't a pleasant experience, but it was necessary to demonstrate Gods love for mankind. Love is hard. Love is painful. Love is difficult. Love is suffering. The reason it was so easy to love whilst engaged to my husband was because no big trials or tribulations had come our way yet since we were still separate flesh living separate lives. But when going through the notions of being newly-wed when you don’t have an abundant bank account and that you’re finishing school and paying the enormous fees. When you’re in a completely new city where you know nobody and only have each other to fend off the loneliness and the need for companionship. When you have to build a home from scratch moving into empty rooms with no furniture, no fridge for food or a bed to sleep on, and adjust to a completely new schedule and set of roles and responsibilities it tests the glamourous love that came before. Part of loving is suffering and enduring. Without going through suffering and bearing difficulties in a relationship there is no opportunity to grow in love. The mistake I have made continually is that I tried to rely on my own strength to love. But the Word of God says “Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us” (Romans 5:5). It is the Holy Spirit that gives us the ability to love. Without Him we cannot love.